I love this kid!

Life ebbs and flows. I was feeling so productive for a while there. Recently I don't feel so productive. 

I'm not sure why that is I have more time then I did 2 months ago. But I feel like I keep not getting around to routine things I had managed to maintain despite our crazy schedule. Maybe it is because I finally took a big sigh and granted myself a big long break for getting through it. Some of it is definitely because the weather is nice and we have been spending ridiculous amounts of time outside. I'm pretty sure for a while there Conor forgot what his inside toys looked like.

He remembered though no worries! I definitely need to get back into my routine of some of my indoor chores and running. I'll feel better about myself I'm sure. Somebody hold me to that..I will fix my schedule! Being off it does not work. I think I've also screwed up my routine a little by moving Conor to a toddler bed. He's doing well with it now (a couple of falls out of the bed..now when he falls out though he falls back to sleep on the floor). But the toddler bed has shorten nap time a little...darn!

I've been feeling a little off lately too. I couldn't figure out why at first but I think it's because Conor started having those episodes again. Not nearly as frequently thank goodness but they stopped for a while and now they are back. Those episodes really mess with my head. I at least have relief now because the doctors are pretty adamant that its benign. But their weird and it makes me worry and just makes me think all kinds of thoughts.

I was enjoying my break from doctors appointments but April is quickly approaching so back we got to doctors. Also lots of therapy appointments. Maybe busy is better and I will start getting more done! Fingers crossed! 

In the meantime I'll just focus on the fact that if nothing else I'm loving my time watching my baby become a boy!

P.S. Did I mention I love this kid?!?!

Life isn't easy but it is good

The weather has changed (knock on wood that it is really Spring and not a tease!) and our family has been loving it! We've been going to the park as much as we can get there. Even taking the dogs sometimes if we think there won't be too many people around.

 He's growing up!

I love going to the park with Conor! It's not necessarily easy (why do they have so many openings on the equipment that a kid can fall off? And why does it alternate sides of the equipment?) but it is easier then being stuck inside all day. Conor loves to be outside and when its nice I can tolerate being out with him for much longer then in the cold. There's also other kids to play with...I can't tell you how happy this makes Conor.

 Knock knock!

 Getting so big!

I also love going to the park with my whole family. There's nothing quite like watching Conor and Mike play together. They have so much fun its wonderful to watch! And I just feel better being out in the fresh air.
 

 Good conversation...

 Log rolls!

So needless to say this past weekend was wonderful and I'm excited about this weekend coming up because it will be nice again. This week however has been a little tough. Its been nice outside so we have played plenty which is great. But Conor has been getting frustrated more lately. I'm not really sure if it's the time change, his limited communication or just the fact that he's turning two. Whatever it is we've had a lot of whining and tantrums this week that have been driving me crazy.

It frustrates me because if I could just understand what he wants or get him to understand me we could solve it but we couldn't quite get there. With a lot of deep breaths, a few early bedtimes and reminding myself over and over how frustrating this must be for him we got through it (for now!). The tests are definitely going to be tough but I just need to keep reminding myself that he's trying to figure it all out and that's a tough task!

Independence...such a blessing and a curse....

Last night I realized with mixed emotions that Conor's turning 2 in two months!! Holy cow!! I'm excited, sad and a little nervous all at the same time. I guess I'm not sad as much as nostalgic(I learned from my previous posts see!) In true mother fashion (maybe new mother I guess) I got excited about his birthday party and discussed with Mike what kind of cake I should try and make him this year. So for the first time I actually set my mind to figuring out Pinterest enough to find some ideas for a cake that would be good for Conor, (For the record I'm still not sold on Pinterest as a hobby but it maybe alright when I need something specific)

And a few more for good measure...

 Kicking me out of my own room....

 

HAPPY SPRING!!!!!!

Victory

What good is a new blog post without at least one picture?

This week is the first week we have not had to leave the house for a single appointment in about 7 weeks. Better still I haven't had to fill my tank with gas this week because for the first time in a long time we haven't driven outside of the county. Little victories! That being said...I'm exhausted!

I've remained fairly proud of myself. Somehow despite all the things going on I have managed to get Conor out doing something every week. Usually its little gym but social interaction is important so I've been trying my best to have a few more outings when feasible. I also miraculously have managed to keep up with my house. Its not as clean as I would like (never is though) and I haven't touched any of the "projects" I've been wanting to do "when Conor gets older" but it is not a disgusting mess. Its actually cleaner in the last two months then it had gotten in the two months prior to all this. And though I slack I have managed to keep running each week.

I was pretty sure that my house was going to fall apart and running was just out of the question with our schedule for January and February. In fact I had given myself permission to let it go until the appointments slowed down. But I managed. I don't know how. So I'm proud.

Today I took Conor our to try a new gym since it was free. Then I thought it would be a good idea to run some errands. My work shoes fell apart a few weeks ago and we were running out of baby shampoo so I went to the store. That's when I realized. I managed to keep the other stuff juggled because I stopped running errands. Errands are important but can be put off. Especially when I buy in bulk. Now I had been grocery shopping sure. And when something was empty that I would normally go to Target or Wal-mart for I sucked it up and paid grocery store prices because otherwise Mike would have been going without deodorant for two months (You're welcome world!) But I had forgotten how much time errands took with a kid. That's where I found the extra time! (Don't get me wrong I still need at least 3 more hours of non-nap time and 3 more hours of nap time in each day...somebody please figure out how I get that!)

I realized however that while errands with a kid are certainly more difficult (getting in and out of car seats and carts) but I kind of miss running them. They are cumbersome. But wandering around Target when you're not in a rush can be relaxing. Also I put off going to the dentist and getting a pedicure. Now the dentist might not be relaxing but I sure would love to get out and get a pedicure one day....But for now I gave myself nap time off today (did I mention I'm exhausted? I woke up this morning feeling like I had a newborn again I slept so poorly. Not Conor's fault though) So I did the dishes, swept and mopped the floor and now I am forcing myself to relax and watch tv until Conor wakes up. (To be honest though I am seriously considering washing the bathrooms but its best I wait until tomorrow)

Growth

Maybe every mom feels this way but I like to think Conor's delays have helped me to better appreciate his growth. I have always been the type of person that looks forward to things and then feels a sense of sadness when it is over. Even when I was little I couldn't wait for vacation but I always remember a weird feeling coming over me as it ended. I guess I always spend so much time building up to what is coming that I miss the journey.

I realized this about myself a long time ago and so I made changes to address the issue. But I'm realizing now the changes weren't the right changes. I made plans to be sure I had something to look forward to at the end. Or making sure a lasting change occurred after a big event I was waiting for. But I realize now that's not the solution. The solution all along was to not focus too much on something coming and really enjoy the right now.

Conor helps with that. I admit I spent so much time already saying I can't wait until he holds his head up/sits/walks. But I'm not sad its over when the milestone happens. The fact that he can do these things is so exciting and then I see all the independence that comes with it. Instead of being sad that he's growing up and the excitement of the milestone has passed I enjoy his pride in himself. This is what I was missing. Instead of being sad my vacation/wedding/college years are over I need to focus on the joy those memories bring me and enjoy the growth I take from that time.

Funny how someone, who thinks hiding behind the blinds during story time is hilarious, can teach you so much. But then I guess if you're not playing hide and seek during story time are you really living?

Now this is living...

 ...staying up past bedtime to laugh with friends...

...using a wet day to put on boots and a raincoat to splash in puddles...

...taking a break from pretending to be a fireman to have a snack...

 

 

...practicing to be a celebrity...

...or just being silly with dad!

Thank God!

I should note that I generally hate health insurance companies but today as in many recent days I find myself saying "Thank God for insurance companies!" Today I had to pick up Conor's orthodics for his shoes. As we were leaving I had to sign the form saying how much they cost, how much insurance pays, how much is discounted because of insurance and how much I owe. I had no idea these little plastic inserts that he will likely outgrow in less then 6 months cost $1300. Holy Cow! My portion? $0! Thank you health insurance! Thank God Mike's job gives us amazing health coverage!

So Conor and I went out to story time and when we came home I put him down and checked the mail. In the mail I found a bill for $165 for his helmet. What?! That thing was $165?! Knowing at this point that medical equipment should cost me nothing I got online and saw that this claim was processed and paid by my health insurance company. So I called the number on the bill and told them I'm showing this bill has been paid. I got some disagreement but thank you internet I was able to email the explanation of benefits and now they will be figuring it out with the insurance company. Again thank you insurance! While I was taking care of the bill I saw all the processed claims from the hospital again and how the thousands of dollars in claims filed over the last 60 days are costing me a mere $150. Thank God!

So since my day has provided me with multiple opportunities that could have potentially been so stress inducing had circumstances been different I've decided to take today to be thankful. Thankful for my family. Thankful for how amazing my son is. Thankful for all we have. Thankful for good jobs, steady paychecks, and insurance. And extremely thankful for all the fun we have together! So thank you God for all you've given me!

This big kid is ready for high school

Modeling that spaghetti belly

Sweet little boy

Conor update

So Conor's appointments are winding down. Friday we had an evaluation at the Center for Autism Spectrum Disorders. While out concern was minimal we were happy to be told Conor did not have any spectrum disorders. They did say he does have some sensory issues they did not seem to cause him too many problems so it isn't something we need to address.

We did learn at this appointment that Conor has motor planning issues which are likely a cause of his delays. This was not much of a surprise as this had been brought up in his last speech therapy session. The appointment really answered a lot of questions for us however. Issues with motor planning as I understand them mean that Conor knows what we are saying and may even know the appropriate response however he has difficulty processing the appropriate steps to make him body give the appropriate response. So he may know to touch his finger to his nose when asked where his nose is but gets stuck figuring out how to put his finger on his nose.

Friday's appointment was the first appointment where I finally felt like I got a start of answer to the question what can we expect. While I don't know exactly what to expect they did say that with intervention we should have an idea in a year of how affected Conor will be by all this. My understanding is this motor planning thing will always be an issue for him when faced with a new motor challenge but his level of difficulty will depend on his ability to work around his limitations.

As a result of new understandings of Conor we will begin an occupational therapy evaluation, an educator evaluation and schedule a sleep study. While this is once again more things to add onto the pile I'm relieved to be moving onto adding interventions for helping Conor instead of looking for answers. So we have more appointments, new insight and only one more appointment in DC for a while (Thank God!).

In trying to focus on the positive I've been thinking about past with Conor and how I feel they helped prepare me for future challenges with him.  I feel like our challenges with fertility helped get me through a miserable pregnancy. Conor's "easy" personality helped make life easier as a baby. This may have made Conor's motor difficulties as a baby easier to handle (its tough not being able to carry your baby on your hip for so long or sit him on the floor for 10 months). I also feel blessed that his easy personality makes all these appointments much easier to get through (I think doctors appreciate this too).

So my positive focus for the day is that I can work to better understand that this process must be so frustrating for Conor as he struggles with knowing what he wants or the answer and not being able to communicate it properly. (In the evaluation they noted that because he's so social this inability to communicate would be extremely frustrating for him.) Maybe this will help me maintain perspective through the terrible twos!

Today is a great day!

I had a rough week this week. We all have those sometimes. Days where things we normally can do seem just a little tougher and things pile up. Work was rough, Conor was rough, and I wasn't sleeping well. Things add up sometimes. But today, today my work week is over. Not only is my work week over but Conor only had his Little Gym class today. Absolutely no other appointments. If you've been keeping up this is a rarity. We've been having a doctor's appointment a week (never less then half an hour away usually more). Sprinkle in speech and physical therapy (which I no longer even count as appointments anymore as they are at home. 45 minutes to schedule for is easy! 3 hours is not!) and an appointment free day just seems impossible!

I woke up this morning determined to have a productive day!

Every week I start Thursday with the laundry battle. Every week I convince myself that THIS week I'm going to win. I'm going to get all the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away.  Inevitably I never win because more laundry ends up in the basket before I finish and then I give up a little and the last load sits folded in the laundry basket waiting to be put away or left sitting in the drier. I'll do it the following week... But last week I got really close. It took all weekend but I got all but a few whites completely finished (there ways not enough for a load). So this morning I was convinced this week I could do it all before the weekend.

When I woke up I debate do I get up and start cleaning or sleep a little longer and wait for Conor to wake up. Mike said I should sleep. He was right. So I slept a little and woke up before Conor started stirring n his crib. I figured I'd get the first load started in hopes of accomplishing my goal. When I went down to start the load I was surprised to find tat Mike had started the first load for me! What an amazing husband! It may seem small but when I got up this morning I was able to start on load 2 of laundry! And so I was even more determined to make today a more productive day! I planned on running, cleaning the bathrooms, doing the dishes and finishing the laundry. And you know what! Check! Check! In progress! AND In progress! It's a good day!

This week I read to friends blogs talking about how amazing their significant other were. I admit they made me feel bad because that morning I had told Mike (jokingly) that I hated him for not hearing his alarm that morning and waking me up. (Please note Mike sets his alarm 30 minutes earlier then mine so he can hit snooze for a while. Which I have no problem with because I like to hit snooze but HIT SNOOZE ALREADY!) But today I have to say Mike really is amazing. He makes life much easier. He even worth all the extra laundry he creates! I really don't know how single moms do it. Because without his little extra help this morning before he went to work I would never have been so motivated today!

Sometimes on this blog I have expressed my sadness and anger. But to be clear there isn't a day that I don't find some happiness. My family is amazing and I wouldn't change them for anything! Moments like these make me smile everyday...

What's better then rolling with daddy?

My boys make me laugh and smile!

Nail gun attack!

Words cannot describe how much I love Conor's expression

This is probably why they tell you not to let kids play with bags!