Strength

I remember when I was 17 and my cousin died. I remember being there as my grandmother was told her grandson had died. Her reaction always struck me as she lay in bed with tears rolling down her face. I remembering thinking how amazingly strong my grandmother was in that moment. See my grandmother had a daughter die at birth, her youngest son died at 17 and two years later her husband died. Watching her responded so simply to yet another unimaginable loss has always stuck with me. My grandmother was full of faith in God and she seemed in that moment to acknowledge death for the sadness of the loss but she had a calm about her that I can't explain. My grandmother also cared for my own mother who spent nearly a year in the hospital with polio at a time where people were dying from this horrible disease. I've heard stories my whole life of all the appointments and medical procedures my mom went through that my grandmother had to take care of.

Ever since Conor was little I have wanted more then ever to have my grandmother back. In addition to the normal parts of grief and loss I want desperately to have her guidance on so many days. On my hardest days with Conor's health I would give so much to have her to talk to. The loss of this baby has intensified those feelings. I never knew then to ask her how she handled these things. I never knew how amazingly hard those things she dealt with must have been.

People tell me I'm strong a lot. Sometimes this makes me feel like I must have the whole world fooled. As a kid I was so emotional. I don't think anyone would have described me as strong. And some days I used to feel like if people saw me hiding on the floor in my closet crying they would never think I'm strong. But other days I would think "I've totally got this" "I can kick some ass". Sometimes I totally feel like I'm strong.

But this. This loss, it doesn't ever feel like strength. It feels like I'm broken. And at times I want to not feel all this hurt and I want it to not hurt so bad. But then I think somehow that it would be hard if it didn't hurt so much. Like somehow it has to hurt because I loved him. Because my hurt gives value to his life because nobody else will get to know him. But I did.

I don't know how to resolve that desire to not feel so hurt and needing to acknowledge him. I wish more then ever I could sit and talk with my grandmother about how she did it all. But I can't so I'll probably just sit here an join Mack when he has throws a fit about random little things cause man I feel ya buddy!

My husband

Let me tell you about my husband. Nobody is perfect but he is amazing to me. I called him at 5pm the day before we needed to leave at 3:30 in the morning and told him our baby no longer had a heart beat and I needed to meet him to come get the kids from me. Then I called him back like 15 minutes later to tell him our baby has a heartbeat but it is abnormally low and something is wrong but we can go on our trip and that I would meet him at home.

So I took the boys home and we prepared for a trip. Despite all our plans to eat dinner early and go to bed early we didn't get down as early as we wanted. And Mike and I certainly didn't get the good night sleep we wanted. But we were up early and off to the airport. When we got to Disney it was pretty early still. But the more I moved around the more I bled so I decided to take it easy. So I laid down and rested and napped. And Mike took the boys to explore the resort. Even though he had as little sleep as I did.

We got sleep later that night and then we got up and headed out to Magic Kingdom. But we decided to rent a scooter for me to reduce the walking in hopes that would help things with the baby. But part way through the morning I knew I needed to go to the hospital. So I left Mike at Magic Kingdom with two boys (poor Mack had no stroller at not quite 4 because he was riding with me on the scooter so Mike could push Conor in the wheelchair). And so he stayed and took care of the boys by himself at Magic Kingdom all day.

And then I called him from the hospital hours later to tell him our baby had no more heartbeat. And because he's an amazing father he somehow managed through Magic Kingdom with the boys and dinner at the castle with the boys even though he must have been hurting inside. See as much as I lost my baby he lost his baby as well. But he had to somehow manage to not let the kids see because they didn't know. I tried to meet him at Magic Kingdom because all I wanted to do was watch the nighttime show with my boys in that moment. But with crowds and a show coming we couldn't figure out where each other was. And because the whole thing was stressful and my phone battery was dying he tried to help me find him.

And then Mack threw up. And even though I was freaking out he still had to handle that. And so we spent another long night with very little sleep because all the laundry needed to be cleaned and we needed to keep Mack semi quarantined in a hotel room because I can't have everyone else sick. Especially not Conor. And so Mike found laundry at the resort and got all the stuff cleaned. So we got to bed very late. Mack seemed better by morning and so with a very late start we did some time at the park. He reminded me to pack extra clothes in case the bleeding became bad. Mike checked in with me constantly to make sure I was feeling ok that everything was okay (we were waiting for me to miscarry at this point). At dinner  Mack kept asking me "Can I kiss the baby" (we hadn't told them yet) and I tried to put him off but he wouldn't stop. Eventually I couldn't hold it together anymore and ran off to the bathroom to cry leaving Mike once again to keep it together and make things normal for the boys. We told the boys at the hotel that night because it was too hard. We were up late again crying and grieving with the boys.

And then we settled in for bed. But it didn't take long for the pain to start. Mike did his best to get rest  in between making sure I was ok and getting me anything I needed. He was after all going to be clearly in for another day responsible for the boys on limited sleep at this point. After making it through the night I sent him to breakfast with the boys I was going to go seek medical help. And so off he went to manage on his own and keep things normal as possible for the boys. He eventually had to arrange a way to the hospital with the boys later that morning. When we thought I would be getting a D&C. After the mess of that hospital visit we went back to make as normal as possible and scared about what happens next.

That night when I went into labor. He slept as long as he could. After all another sleepless night was coming and nobody to help him with the kids the next day. But when it was time to go he did it all. Packed a bag. Dressed the boys.  Checked on me. Called for a ride. And then sat in a hospital trying to manage two small children woken up in the middle of the night and be supportive for me. It's a lot to juggle even without the emotional component. But he did it all without complaint. He's never even once mentioned it.

When we switched hospitals and he was brought into the room where I was yelling and screaming he was still balancing making sure the boys were supervised while trying to be supportive for me. He was eventually sent to wait while I was taken in. And so back to the waiting room he was sent where he had two small children to care for even though he left me in a state that had him concerned about whether I would be ok.

When I was ok he had to get all the information from the doctors to take care of me (I literally forgot it all). And then I got dressed in new clothes because he was awesome and thoughts to pack that! And  we went home where he unpacked all our luggage that Disney had nicely moved for us. And then took the boys swimming. Because I could only tag along and watch but even though he didn't get to sleep he still had to take care of everybody.

The rest of the trip was Mike taking care of the boys mostly by himself as well as him checking in on me. Was I ok? Doing so much for me so I could take it easy. And constantly checking how I was feeling. Because when the doctor told me to take it easy and to rent a scooter I thought it was because I had been sedated and lost blood. I didn't really connect the dots that I went through labor and then thought I could go do Disney the next day (because I didn't have a baby to prove  to myself that I just gave birth). But he knew and cared for me the whole way.

See all this might be part of his job as husband and father. To take care of his kids when he takes them to Disney. To worry about and care for his wife when she is sick. But we planned this trip to Disney as two adults (a team) taking care of two boys. And instead we got him by himself taking care of all three of us. And most people when they care for a sick wife have a support system in place to balance all the juggling so that in crisis people can rush in an be extra hands. But when your whole support system is hours away all they can do is be emotional support (by the way he was updating my poor mother while I was in the hospital as well) but they aren't there to be extra hands and eyes.

And through it all he's been amazingly supportive since we've been home. Picking up extra slack with the kids. There to hold me when I'm falling apart even if I keep him up late at night crying. And checking in on me regularly throughout the day when he knows I'm struggling. And picking up slack with the kids when he knows I'm having a hard time.

In all of this Mike lost a lot too. But it doesn't stop him from being there 100%. And that's true love. And that's why my two boys are turning out to be wonderful caring little men.

This is hard...

Miscarriages are hard. I've had two before this one. This one is particularly hard. It's hard because I thought I was "safe". It's hard because I knew he was a boy. It's hard because we named him. It's hard because we felt comfortable enough to buy things and prepare for him. It's hard because I had felt him move. It's hard because I was wearing maternity pants before we left on vacation and I came back to put on my regular pants (and not just like yoga pants or leggings but real dress pants). Except it doesn't feel like any accomplishment to be out of maternity pants when you only want to be wearing them still. It's hard because I spent hours in labor with real and hardcore contractions and I yet I have nothing. It's hard because all I want to do is hold a baby right now. (Seriously I won't steal them I just need to hold somebody's newborn baby and maybe cry a lot as I snuggle them and smell their sweet newborn baby smell). 

I was relieved when the doctor told me I didn't need a D&C. Because I had miscarried naturally twice before and while it was hard and it hurt it was very manageable. And because I was 13 hours away from knowing any kind of support system to help us care for our 2 children. And because I wanted this to impact my family vacation as little as possible. After all my boys were about to learn they lost their brother. And Mack's birthday was coming. It seemed unfair that they also lose their much anticipated vacation. And Mack had been so excited to celebrate his birthday at Magic Kingdom for months! So I was relieved. I didn't know that it would be so different from my last ones when the doctor told me I could miscarry naturally and take Tylenol for the pain. I thought that was good news. I thought this would be good. 

Until the next night when the pain came. It was hurting so bad and it was just the beginning. The Tylenol didn't do anything. So I called my on call OB at home to ask if she could call me in something for the pain.  She seemed disturbed that I was sent to miscarry at home (not even home but to a hotel room with no reliable transportation). And then told me she couldn't call in pain medicine because narcotics can't be called in and I was in another state. This made sense but made me more worried. I got through the night and went to urgent care in the morning in hope of getting pain medication to help. I knew that my doctor was nervous but I still didn't understand the danger quite yet. She kept telling me this would be worse then my other miscarriages but I didn't understand how much worse yet. 

At urgent care they saw me despite saying we don't prescribe narcotics. I think sobbing in the waiting area about having a miscarriage made them feel bad for me.  While I was waiting my OB called me because she had been worried about me. I told her I was at urgent care and she said they could call her if they needed anything. The doctor at urgent care was nervous about prescribing me something afraid that sending me home with pain killers to miscarry on my own would be dangerous (it was). So I called my OB and he talked to her. She clearly had told him to convince me to go to the hospital for a D&C, that this wasn't a good idea. So he convinced me and I listened. I finally started to understand that this wasn't a safe decision. 

So I went back to the first hospital. I called Mike to meet me at the hospital as I figured I would go and have the procedure that day and we could get on with our trip even if the boys missed the day we scheduled to swim at the pool. I saw a nurse practitioner at the ER she seemed to agree this was not a good idea. However the OB on call refused to do the D&C. He (this is an assumption and for ease because I don't know) refused to even come see me. I requested that he at least call and talk to my OB. Again he refused and had the nurse practitioner call my OB for him. No matter how hard my OB tried to advocate for me he refused to listen. I even had my OB call the hospital OB since he would not call her. And so the nurse practitioner (NP) came back and said they had talked and agreed I could get pain killers and miscarry at home. If things got bad (the pain or bleeding) I could come back. She also suggested flying home to get the care elsewhere, trying another hospital (but no guarantee on what they would do) or coming back when there was a new OB on call. At this point I'm scared everyone made it sound like this was dangerous so I asked if I would be okay. The NP made it clear the pain and bleeding would get bad. So I called my OB to see what changed. She apologized told me her hands were tied because she has no privileges at this hospital and the OB and hospitalist were refusing so there was nothing she could do. She clearly felt terrible. And so we asked if we should find an immediate flight home and she tells me no as it would be dangerous to be on a flight when this happens. 

I generally have been lucky with doctors. I've always had great doctors I trust and who I feel are looking out for the best interest of me (or my kids). For the first time I felt scared. Here I was facing what felt like complete negligence on the doctor's part and it was putting my life at risk. And there was nothing I could do about it. I was trapped at the mercy of a doctor who clearly didn't care about me. Not to mention the emotional toll that was being put on me during an already emotionally painful time. It was a really scary feeling to have no control over my health.

So back to the hotel I went with a prescription that I know is probably not going to help and a bunch of stuff I'm hoping I can use to help ease the pain. I went to bed early hoping to get some sleep before things got bad. I woke up in pain and I starting trying to do what I could to manage the pain. As I sat in a hotel bathtub having contractions close together trying my best to manage. Mike tried to get all the sleep he could. We both knew it would be a long night and he would have to care for the kids the next day somehow. Eventually it was too much the pain was bad and I decided it was time to go back to the hospital. But not that hospital, earlier in the evening my sister in law helped me learn of a better hospital to go to in the area. We would go there. So Mike calls the front desk explains what is happening and asks them to call a cab to go to the hospital and says I cannot walk to the lobby. We tell them we don't want an ambulance because we don't want to go back to that hospital. And while I sit in pain Mike wakes up the boys and packs them up with extra clothes for me (smart man). I grab a hotel towel to sit on and the resort manage picks us up and drives us to the lobby to meet a taxi. We take a looooong bumpy cab ride to a new hospital in downtown Orlando. The poor boys in the backseat taking it like troopers that we woke them up sometime around 1am. The poor cab driver driving probably half an hour with a woman in the back seat having terrible contractions and wondering if. I'm going to ruin his cab (it's cool dude I'm sitting on a towel!)

We finally get near the hospital and go towards the sign that says Emergency. I go check in while Mike grabs the boys and tell them through painful contractions I'm having a miscarriage. They try and be positive at first before they eventually get the whole story. I tell them I took Percocet but it didn't help. The triage nurse notes that my contractions are too strong that's not going to do anything. I ask for something more but have to wait to see a doctor. They rush me in though. I see a doctor quickly all the nurses and doctor's are dumbfounded about the situation. They don't understand what the other doctor was thinking. They give me morphine in a shot because it takes too long to get an IV in me (I have terrible veins). The morphine helps. But bad news I went to the wrong hospital. They don't have an OB I need to be across the street but they will work on getting me there. 

The doctors and nurses here are amazing! They do everything they can for me. They are sweet and caring and they put the boys in another room so they can lay in a bed and sleep while a nurse can watch them. It takes hours to move hospitals. That's just how these things work. So I'm in labor for hours but the medicine helps take the edge off. And at least now I have doctor's watching me. The attending doctor makes me learn his name and memorize it so that I can make them call him if they don't do the procedure for me. The ambulance finally comes so we can go to the hospital across the street but the pain is getting bad again so they give me a 4th dose of medicine and off I go. They arrange for Mike and the boys to get driven to the new hospital. The morphine never helps and I'm really hurting the whole ride. Luckily its not far. I get to the new hospital and the pain is horrible so after some talking they give me more morphine. But it's not helping. This is where things start getting bad (they were already bad but...). They tell me stuff is stuck and it's causing the pain that the morphine isn't going to help so I ask for medicine for the anxiety at least (I'm starting to freak out). This is where the bleeding starts to get really concerning. They ask me 8 million questions and I sign a bunch of forms saying I'm ok with a blood transfusion. They are ordering blood from the blood bank now. They let Mike come in (some nurse is watching the boys for him). They are measuring the blood to see how much I am losing. And I'm cursing that damn OB who wouldn't do the procedure in a controlled setting without all this mess. Mike keeps telling the doctors in the room I'm not cursing them I mean the doctor at the first hospital. 

All the meds must have caught up with me because I remember going into the elevator to go to the OR but then everything goes black and I wake up in recovery. The doctor is talking to me but I only remember parts of it. Its all over and I'm ok. They didn't need to do a transfusion once they got everything out the bleeding stopped and I was ok. 

Everyone talks about the state of healthcare in this country but I've always been pretty fortunate I've had good doctors and good care. But this was unnecessary. It's cruel to put a mother through this when she's already suffering. I shouldn't have had to spend hours in active labor. There no reason to not do a D&C on an 18 week pregnant mother when she loses the baby. I was offered a D&C when I miscarried at 9 weeks but at 18 it wasn't even an option. It should have been encouraged. When I look at bills from the whole ordeal the amount of wasted resources and money that occurred because the doctor on call didn't want to come in and perform a relatively safe and easy procedure is insane. If I had been given a D&C the first day when there was no heartbeat (which is what should have happened) my cost of care would have been easily 10% of what the cost ended up being. 90% of thousands of dollars is a lot of wasted resources(note I have amazing health insurance and it will cost me very little out of pocket but this is why health insurance is expensive). And because miscarriages are hard enough and losing a baby so late is so incredibly hard there is no reason I should have ever been put in that situation. 

I'm angry at that hospital. I'm so very angry at that doctor. I'm incredibly grateful for my OB from home. She saved my life. I would not have known the risk without her because the hospital never explained it. I'm grateful for the wonderful staff at the hospitals I ended up in and I will tell everyone to always go to downtown Orlando if you need to go to the hospital at Disney. I feel fortunate for the care I got later and for the support I received from family and friends. And I'm incredibly grateful for my husband and boys who somehow managed that scary situation. But I'm hurting and this is harder then I thought it would be. But writing sometimes helps me so maybe I need to get this story out.  

Also never go to Celebration Hospital at Disney....Just sayin....