Almost Time for Baby

So in less then 24 hours we will be a family of four. This comes with a whole bunch of emotions. I'm also realizing it's very different then last time. 

I'm realizing it's hard going into having a second baby when the first one was born with special needs. It's probably even harder knowing that the second one does indeed have a birth defect. I find myself wandering what if it's not just a club foot? I wonder how bad his foot will really be? As prepared as I've made myself I am anxious to see what this new journey will be like for us.

A few months ago in e-mailing Conor's neurologist I felt it would be a good idea to mention I was pregnant. I'm not sure what I thought it would help but given that we have no clue what caused Conor's brain injury any chance at information to prevent this is important to me. Of course in my heart I knew there was nothing but still I thought I'd try. In her response she reminded me to enjoy my pregnancy (yeah right!) and not worry too much about what ifs. 

I thought I was doing well not worrying too much. Though I have to say this is no longer the case. Every time I get kicked and it hurts a little I think 'hmm that's probably a good sign he's got good strength'. I've got this whole plan on how to approach breastfeeding this time in case this baby has latching issues like Conor. I'm sure I'll over analyze every milestone he reaches. It's definitely different this time.

I think every parent spends months wondering about their unborn child. What they will look like, what they will be like and will they be healthy. This time this creates a weird thought process for me. Conor was a peanut, super skinny with a head full of hair. Not your normal baby look but I loved it. So I find myself hoping Mack looks similar. Despite always having thoughts baby rolls were cute (Conor's never had a roll a day in his life) I loved his scrawny little legs and I would be so happy if Mack had this too. Except then I think maybe that was the low muscle tone, maybe I really don't want that. 

All and all I'm so ready to have this baby. I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore. I really can't wait to see Conor be a big brother. He's so excited! And I can't wait to meet my second son. But mostly sometimes I think I just need the break from pregnancy :)

A new year will bring a new family member

We are getting close to the arrival of our new little guy. Conor is incredibly excited about the new baby. Every day he asks if Mack's ready to come out and he tries to reach in my mouth to get the baby. Sometimes he uses his toy screwdriver to try and get him out. This is certainly not my favorite activity each day. Though I will admit if it wasn't my mouth being pried open this is a humorous activity. I just hope he's as excited about the actual baby as he is about the idea of the baby. I guess time will tell.

I'm finding this part of pregnancy to be very different then last time. It was at this point in pregnancy with Conor that I actually felt the best I had all pregnancy (weird I know). I was excited to meet him but not ready to have him yet. I was determined to finish up at work before he came and worked until my due date.

This time I'm uncomfortable and soooo over being pregnant. I want to meet him. I want to not be pregnant and I really want to be done work. But at the same time I'm constantly convicted. The reality is I want to be done but I'm not at all ready for him. I still have so much I want to do before he's born (and no energy to do any of it). I also am not ready to be done at work as much as I want to be done. I will again work up until I have him but this time I'm regretting not giving myself a little time off before he comes. 

I think I'm just conflicted in general these days. Some days when I think about everything I will have to deal with between Mack and Conor I think "I got this." Sometimes I feel like I can totally be that supermom and will be able to handle all their appointments and needs and struggles with no problem. Other days I think "oh god this is going to be tough!" 

It's weird going back and forth. Some days those this is going to be tough days can be very discouraging. I get to feeling like it's too much to handle now and it will only get harder. On the "I got this" days though I feel like I can handle anything and do it all. This is a great feeling and I wish I could hold onto it all the time. But I can't. Because the truth is in reality I'm sure I'll really be somewhere in the middle. Somewhere that is completely overwhelmed but yet somehow managing to do what I think is best but never being quite sure how long I'll be able to keep it up, nor how long I need to.

I guess that's just life though and we all seem to muddle through somehow. I just need to make sure I don't let my personal pity parties last too long.