Sleep Study

So we are back in the hospital again but this time planned and not technically admitted. So it's different. Very different. We are just at the hospital doing a sleep study and we had a long time to prepare for this coming. I would have thought that this would make it fairly stress free, though still sleepless. 

I was wrong!

Walking into the hospital this evening was a very overwhelming feeling. And while it really was nothing like coming when he was admitted before it felt strangely familiar. We come here all the time for appointments but I guess because we were staying the night it brought back a lot of emotion.

Obviously this time is less scary and I'm better prepared (I knew to pack clothes to sleep in and a toothbrush) but I still had to slow down and take a deep breath coming into the hospital. 

Once we were in it was fine though I had a moment watching Conor play on the floor of the hospital room where I felt a little pull at my heart. It seems so wrong for children to play or be in hospital rooms. 

The real hard part came later when Conor was being hooked up to the monitors. I'd done this before so part of me felt prepared and knew how to handle it. But by the end when it was just me and Conor in the room. Him tugging at the wires, yelling and crying it was rough. Last time I had people here for this part. People who could stay while I left the room if I needed. This time it's just me. Boy that sucked! 5 minutes of break would have made a world of difference. They should really let 2 parents stay. 

Being back at the hospital. Sleeping here. Holding Conor down while he fights the tests. Leaves me with a lot of time and a lot of reminders. And I struggled with memories of watching Conor last time. Particularly of watching them put him under to do the MRI. 

Boy I wish I had been more prepared for those feelings!

At least it will all be over in a few hours and I'm not too worried about the outcome. That is a huge relief. Maybe if I focus on that the next few hours will come a little easier.

Maybe I'll say a little prayer that the morning comes quickly and smoothly and hopefully get a little rest (FYI hospitals are not so comfy to sleep in).

Forever Moments

Lately I've been having lots of moments with Conor that leave me with a feeling I can't really describe. It's a kind of intense joy. It's not a joy that comes from having what one might call the best experience of your life, or even some incredible once in a lifetime moment.It's just a moment that feels truly amazing even though it could be totally ordinary. 

They are moments that even as I experience them (though they may be only seconds) that I think that I could spend forever stuck in this moment. I call them forever moments. They are moments when Conor comes up wraps his arms around my neck and just squeezes. Moments when I'm cuddled in bed with Conor and Mike. Moments like this....

...or this...

...and sort of this (though the heights made me uncomfortable)...

I feel like the difference between life now and life before Conor is that while I have forever moments from before he was born, I didn't realize them at the time. And what truly makes a moment amazing is when you know in that moment how truly lucky you are to be right there.

Life with a two year old is still trying but it sure is filled with a lot of forever moments. So I just hold on during those squeezes and let the moments last as long as they can because when its over I want to hold onto the memory just as tight!