Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
It's become so very clear to me over the years that God has a plan. And his plan is better then we can imagine. I just don't always understand that plan. Every once in a while part of the plan comes into picture and I get it. He knows better then me and I need to trust him. I don't understand why Z died and why I didn't get to see and hold him. I like to hope that one day I will understand but I don't know. What I have realized is while I don't understand; God is good and he has been working in ways to help me with this that I never even realized.
Years and years ago I made a friend. It was so long ago that I don't even have a clear memory of meeting this friend. All I know is somewhere around when I was 3-5 years old a girl moved in up the street and we became friends. We've been friends over the years sometimes close and sometimes grown apart as we moved through life. When I became a mom we started hanging out again. She was a good friend and super supportive with Conor and all his health problems early on. When her own child became sick we connected more over that. Connecting over the struggles of being mom we became closer.
Over time she introduced me to other friends of hers and we would hang out at times. Somewhere along the line through group messages and nights out my friend had introduced me and helped me become friends with a wonderful group of women. Women who have been incredibly supportive in my life.
When I was worried about losing Z and when I sat in a hospital and learned that he had died I was alone. Mike and the boys were at Magic Kingdom where I left them and everyone else I loved and counted on were thousands of miles away. But even though I was alone I had friends and family providing whatever support they could provide via text messaging. (In fairness to my mother who offered to call but knows well enough to ask if I would prefer text or phone call and for me talking out loud at that time was too hard.)
When I was up in the middle of the night in pain and scared I sent a group message to the women I happened to be friends with because of that girl up the street when I was little. One of those women is a doula and stayed up late talking to me, calming my fears and giving me advice I could try to help the physical pain. Those women were invaluable resources while I was navigating the crazy situation that occurred.
I also received messages and support from so many family and friends throughout the course of everything. Even someone from high school who happened to be in Disney was willing to be available when I was sure what was coming and then sent extra for and water to our room when she was checking out. And of course Disney did every awesome thing they could possibly do even though none of it would take away from what was happening.
When I got home I arrived home to dinner in my crockpot from my sister, groceries in my fridge and balloons from my mom (all good reasons to give family members keys to your house), a cake from a neighbor, and flowers from my cousins. Later I went out to my car to find stealthily left flowers, a gift card and card from that wonderful group of women. My OB's office sent me a bouquet of flowers a few days later. Another friend had an angel gown and asked if I would want it (not wanting to upset me). Women from church gave me a prayer shawl for when I needed God's comfort.
And one night I went out to dinner with some of those wonderful women (except my friend who introduced me to them of course because she had to go and move far away). And at dinner one of them gave me these amazing bears that she had made (because some people are crafty and talented).
There's one for Mack and Conor and I. I can't even begin to explain how amazingly helpful a simple little bear has been. And not just for me. That bear has been so incredibly helpful for Mack in particular.
Mack will tell you all about how "my mom's friend gave this to me for my baby that died". And he randomly needs it to sleep with at night or snuggle with on the couch or just to carry around with him everywhere. At at time when I was struggling because I had nothing to hold when I was sad about Z, nothing that was his. The people around me without even knowing that's what I needed stepped up and gave me things to hold that could help me feel connected with Z.
Recently this project my best friend since college (who lives too far away) came.
A box that's just for him to hold his sonogram pictures, his angel gown and a few dried flowers from the flowers I got. (Isn't she talented!)
I always thought I understood the phrase it's the thought that counts. But at a time when nothing and no one can give me what I really want I've really realized how truly meaningful the thought can be. Whether the thought is flowers, a small gift, a text message or a hug.
See nothing can take the pain away and never will; but the support and love of those around us helps. And while being thousands of miles away from my village when Z died was really hard it didn't stop the incredibly supportive network I have. That network that God has been working my whole life to build for me. And I see that so clearly in the profound impact a small girl moving in up the street from me when I was little had all these years later.
