Boy we've been busy!
Mike and I decided with things with Conor becoming slightly more settled (we thought) it was time to expand our family. With issues we had with fertility last time we wasted less time going back to the fertility doctor to start treatment. It took longer then I hoped for this time but boy even though fertility treatment is rough (emotionally particularly) it's much easier when following disappointment you can come home and squeeze your little boy. After 3 tries I got pregnant but unfortunately I miscarried shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I was lucky it happened early instead of late but wow what a rough experience. Between hormones and disappointment and the daunting thought of having to do more dreaded fertility treatment when I thought I was done it was a roller coaster I was not prepared for. After struggling I came to the decision that the trip we had been contemplating needed to happen. I needed time to just enjoy my family. So Mike being an amazing husband found a way to make a last minute trip to Disney happen.
Let me tell you Disney World is good for the soul! We had an amazing time in Disney World and spending time with my little family as just us was exactly what I needed to move forward. We tried treatment again after we returned and as luck would have it...
It worked!
So Conor will be a big brother. He's so excited though I think he was slightly disappointed to find out its a boy. He seems to be coming around to the idea of a brother. As excited as I was to have another baby I certainly was worried what pregnancy would be as with Conor I was so sick. But I've always said Conor has provided me with great perspective. I suspect had this been my first pregnancy I would have struggled with morning sickness. But I think by comparison the typical morning sickness I experienced this time was totally manageable and somewhat a relief to what I experienced before. So thanks for the perspective buddy!
I struggled for a while with this pregnancy. I was never sure if it was the fear from miscarriage or just unrealistic expectations of myself. I felt I wasn't as connected, in love with or excited about this baby as I believe I was with Conor. I tried to remind myself that I can't remember how I actually felt with Conor just how I thought I did and I rationalized to remind myself that once baby #2 comes I will love him in a way I cannot know until he's here.
The world always has a way of putting things in perspective for me though. This baby is rather uncooperative in ultrasounds so after 3 tries at an anatomy scan the doctor informed me that the baby would have a clubbed left foot. I was honestly not expecting to hear anything was wrong. And again I was hit with the thought that had this been my first child I may have been very upset in that doctors office. Instead the doctor told me what that meant and how they treat it (completely treatable). And my response was "that sounds like a pain in the ass but ok". The doctor assured me though that this would be much easier to deal with then the issues we have had with Conor. So I choose to believe the doctor and not worry too much.
Since Conor was having an EEG the following week at Children's Hospital we arranged to meet with the orthopedic specialist for baby #2 to get a treatment plan in place. Yup baby #2 already has his own specialist at Children's. Conor's EEG was to monitor for potential seizure risks just in case due to the severity of symptoms he was experiencing with his apparent migraine episodes. He was awesome in the hospital and his EEG came back normal. So even though we continue to have difficulty with these episodes I am relieved the EEG was normal and hopeful that a medication switch may reduce the episodes.
Since finding out about baby #2's foot and what that will be like I'm relieved his issues are with his legs instead of his brain this I'm certain. However there are times that I get all nostalgic and think about the little things I will miss. Like easy access to adorable baby feet (though he will have one uncasted foot) and the inability to use footie pjs once he moves into braces. Which means all the adorable pjs I remember Conor in and can't wait to see this baby in will not work :/ Other times I get stressed about managing all the appointments between the two boys. But I remind myself what it was like when Conor first got out of the hospital. I never knew how I could balance it all and I still don't know how I did. But in the moment I just did. So I'm sure in the moment I just will.
All this information has certainly taught me one thing though. Those concerns I had about whether I loved this baby enough or was connected disappeared immediately that day in the ultrasound room when the doctor told me about his club feet. I no longer worried about how much I loved this baby because my mommy instinct kicked in instantly as I began my journey of how to I help this baby.
I thought this baby would be easier then Conor but as life would see fit I guess I'll just find difficult in a new way. But as long as I keep the lessons in perspective I've been taught along the way we will find a way to balance it all. We'll just be even more busy!
But busy sometimes makes life fun!
