A new year will bring a new family member

We are getting close to the arrival of our new little guy. Conor is incredibly excited about the new baby. Every day he asks if Mack's ready to come out and he tries to reach in my mouth to get the baby. Sometimes he uses his toy screwdriver to try and get him out. This is certainly not my favorite activity each day. Though I will admit if it wasn't my mouth being pried open this is a humorous activity. I just hope he's as excited about the actual baby as he is about the idea of the baby. I guess time will tell.

I'm finding this part of pregnancy to be very different then last time. It was at this point in pregnancy with Conor that I actually felt the best I had all pregnancy (weird I know). I was excited to meet him but not ready to have him yet. I was determined to finish up at work before he came and worked until my due date.

This time I'm uncomfortable and soooo over being pregnant. I want to meet him. I want to not be pregnant and I really want to be done work. But at the same time I'm constantly convicted. The reality is I want to be done but I'm not at all ready for him. I still have so much I want to do before he's born (and no energy to do any of it). I also am not ready to be done at work as much as I want to be done. I will again work up until I have him but this time I'm regretting not giving myself a little time off before he comes. 

I think I'm just conflicted in general these days. Some days when I think about everything I will have to deal with between Mack and Conor I think "I got this." Sometimes I feel like I can totally be that supermom and will be able to handle all their appointments and needs and struggles with no problem. Other days I think "oh god this is going to be tough!" 

It's weird going back and forth. Some days those this is going to be tough days can be very discouraging. I get to feeling like it's too much to handle now and it will only get harder. On the "I got this" days though I feel like I can handle anything and do it all. This is a great feeling and I wish I could hold onto it all the time. But I can't. Because the truth is in reality I'm sure I'll really be somewhere in the middle. Somewhere that is completely overwhelmed but yet somehow managing to do what I think is best but never being quite sure how long I'll be able to keep it up, nor how long I need to.

I guess that's just life though and we all seem to muddle through somehow. I just need to make sure I don't let my personal pity parties last too long.

I love this time of year!

It's Christmas Eve! 

I love Christmas. I always have. My parents did a wonderful job making Christmas so full of magic. I often wish I could have the ability that children have to believe in all the magic of Christmas. You never totally get that back, but I think having kids gets me pretty darn close. I remember being little and loving Christmas movies and Christmas music. I hate when the days start getting shorter and it gets dark early. But all that changes when Christmas lights start going up. Once people start putting up their decorations I couldn't be happier that it's dark. I love to see the lights as I'm driving. It makes me nostalgic and feel that magic and wonderment of Christmas in a whole new way.  

It warms my heart that Conor has the same love of Christmas. He loves the lights, the movies, snowmen and particularly Santa. We read Christmas stories at night. He looks for Alf (our Elf of the Shelf) everyday and his smile when he finds him is priceless.

This year is funny. I feel like Christmas snuck up on us. This is probably because of a shorter time this year between Thanksgiving and Christmas and that that we spent a week of that shortened time in DisneyWorld. I love DisneyWorld but 80 degree temperatures make it hard to feel like Christmas. (Though Disney was obviously still magical and amazing!) I feel like I didn't have time this year to enjoy the season as much as I would like and we didn't get to do lots of Christmas stuff. This is a little disappointing to me though I'm sure for Conor it's good enough.

I was thinking that with the holidays being right before my due date it would make time pass before Baby Mack (Mike spilled the beans so I'm embracing it) arrived. Funny though as quickly as Christmas got here this pregnancy seems to be dragging now. Go figure! Oh well he will be here in less then a month and I'm sure life would get more crazy.

In the meantime I will enjoy Christmas. After all Santa should be here shortly!

Merry Christmas!!!

It may not be what I expected but new challenges means new lessons

Boy we've been busy! 

Mike and I decided with things with Conor becoming slightly more settled (we thought) it was time to expand our family. With issues we had with fertility last time we wasted less time going back to the fertility doctor to start treatment. It took longer then I hoped for this time but boy even though fertility treatment is rough (emotionally particularly) it's much easier when following disappointment you can come home and squeeze your little boy. After 3 tries I got pregnant but unfortunately I miscarried shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I was lucky it happened early instead of late but wow what a rough experience. Between hormones and disappointment and the daunting thought of having to do more dreaded fertility treatment when I thought I was done it was a roller coaster I was not prepared for. After struggling I came to the decision that the trip we had been contemplating needed to happen. I needed time to just enjoy my family. So Mike being an amazing husband found a way to make a last minute trip to Disney happen.

Let me tell you Disney World is good for the soul! We had an amazing time in Disney World and spending time with my little family as just us was exactly what I needed to move forward. We tried treatment again after we returned and as luck would have it...

It worked! 

So Conor will be a big brother. He's so excited though I think he was slightly disappointed to find out its a boy. He seems to be coming around to the idea of a brother. As excited as I was to have another baby I certainly was worried what pregnancy would be as with Conor I was so sick. But I've always said Conor has provided me with great perspective. I suspect had this been my first pregnancy I would have struggled with morning sickness. But I think by comparison the typical morning sickness I experienced this time was totally manageable and somewhat a relief to what I experienced before. So thanks for the perspective buddy!

I struggled for a while with this pregnancy. I was never sure if it was the fear from miscarriage or just unrealistic expectations of myself. I felt I wasn't as connected, in love with or excited about this baby as I believe I was with Conor. I tried to remind myself that I can't remember how I actually felt with Conor just how I thought I did and I rationalized to remind myself that once baby #2 comes I will love him in a way I cannot know until he's here.

The world always has a way of putting things in perspective for me though. This baby is rather uncooperative in ultrasounds so after 3 tries at an anatomy scan the doctor informed me that the baby would have a clubbed left foot. I was honestly not expecting to hear anything was wrong. And again I was hit with the thought that had this been my first child I may have been very upset in that doctors office. Instead the doctor told me what that meant and how they treat it (completely treatable). And my response was "that sounds like a pain in the ass but ok". The doctor assured me though that this would be much easier to deal with then the issues we have had with Conor. So I choose to believe the doctor and not worry too much.

Since Conor was having an EEG the following week at Children's Hospital we arranged to meet with the orthopedic specialist for baby #2 to get a treatment plan in place. Yup baby #2 already has his own specialist at Children's.  Conor's EEG was to monitor for potential seizure risks just in case due to the severity of symptoms he was experiencing with his apparent migraine episodes. He was awesome in the hospital and his EEG came back normal. So even though we continue to have difficulty with these episodes I am relieved the EEG was normal and hopeful that a medication switch may reduce the episodes.

Since finding out about baby #2's foot and what that will be like I'm relieved his issues are with his legs instead of his brain this I'm certain. However there are times that I get all nostalgic and think about the little things I will miss. Like easy access to adorable baby feet (though he will have one uncasted foot) and the inability to use footie pjs once he moves into braces. Which means all the adorable pjs I remember Conor in and can't wait to see this baby in will not work :/ Other times I get stressed about managing all the appointments between the two boys. But I remind myself what it was like when Conor first got out of the hospital. I never knew how I could balance it all and I still don't know how I did. But in the moment I just did. So I'm sure in the moment I just will. 

All this information has certainly taught me one thing though. Those concerns I had about whether I loved this baby enough or was connected disappeared immediately that day in the ultrasound room when the doctor told me about his club feet. I no longer worried about how much I loved this baby because my mommy instinct kicked in instantly as I began my journey of how to I help this baby.

I thought this baby would be easier then Conor but as life would see fit I guess I'll just find difficult in a new way. But as long as I keep the lessons in perspective I've been taught along the way we will find a way to balance it all.  We'll just be even more busy!

But busy sometimes makes life fun!

It's been awhile

I don't know if I've been too busy to post, had trouble organizing all my thoughts or just didn't know what to say. But man a lot of time has past! And so many things have been changing!

We got through the holidays and it was an exciting and busy time. Conor loved Christmas and everything that Christmas had to offer. He was excited about Santa, Christmas movies, snow and snowmen. The presents? Well they were just an added bonus...he was happy with just all the excitement before the holiday.

We had way too much sugar, watched too many movies in the evenings and Santa brought Conor way too many presents. But that is alright. We found room for all of them. And the thing with Conor and toys is that no matter how many millions of toys he may have he plays with ALL of them. And he gets my money's worth out of ALL of them. The kid even plays with cheap kids meals toys forever! This makes me happy that I'm not "wasting" my money on toys of course. However it seems to encourage me to want to buy him things and it makes it difficult to clear out old toys because he still wants to play with all of them.

So it was a good holiday season. And we are now eagerly anticipating Spring. Probably cabin fever but I'm dying to spend my days with Conor outside playing, at the park and on walks. It's just been too cold lately and I've been a chicken. But its getting close!

It's hard to believe how fast he's growing. This spring he will be 3! That's insane to me! It is exciting though. I know people say the twos are terrible. And there are days that he drives me nuts but I kind of feel like it is getting easier not harder. Maybe its just me or maybe it has to do with how much extra work infancy turned out to be for him. But I still find the independence while trying at times is so helpful. Having hands to carry things because he's not taking up all my arms, giving him things to hold, having him climb in the car seat. At times these things can cause problems but they also are so helpful! I anxiously await the day I feel comfortable letting him walk up the concrete steps without me near him. (won't that make carrying things in easy!) I'll get there one day!

With age also seems to have come clarity. I'm no longer quite as stressed about everything going on with him. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on what's going on with him. What a relief that is! I still certainly have concerns and worry what the future holds for him but I feel like we have a good plan for preparing for this. We will go back to his doctor and April and discuss further the bizarre motor movements which are occurring more and more frequently. But thanks to the Internet I have more information to have a more informed discussion with the doctor about it. We are continuing to play with medication for his apparent vertigo but it's getting there. I would love to get the vertigo issue straightened out as I'm not a fan of puke and we've had two instances where it got that bad. But I will be patient. These things take time and its hard to tell how he's feeling when he doesn't really have all the words to tell us. In time!

Maybe I'll get back to writing this blog soon. In the meantime I'm enjoying the fun and creativity of my incredible little boy!

Being two

So lately Conor's been teaching us about the terrible twos. Terrible two's seemed to be characterized by extreme cuteness...and then suddenly being blind-sided by massive tantrums over every little thing.  It's an emotional roller coaster for sure. 

So I decided I needed give myself some positive thinking.

Sometimes I find myself missing these days...

It makes me sad sometimes to see how big he is and miss when he's little. This is really easy to do when he's making it difficult for me to relax or talk to someone.

So I think I need to think about all the benefits of a two year old.

This struck me the other day in the shower. Because get this I CAN TAKE A SHOWER NOW! I remember when Conor was younger being shocked by my friend who could take a shower while her son was awake without having to rush and peek out through the shower curtain. I thought she was supermom. How could she do that?! But now that Conor is two I can safely take a shower while he watches a movie or plays in a safe room. 

Not only can I take a shower but I no longer need to plan my life around breastfeeding. Crazy! I loved breastfeeding and I was sad to stop but being able to live life and not worry about where I will have to try and feed a baby and if it will be awkward. Pretty Awesome!

Getting in the car. Do you know how much easier getting in the car is when you're not carrying a car seat. And better yet sometimes I have the conveniences of having Conor carry some things to the car when I don't have enough hands. Bonus!

Sometimes I can even understand him. You know that stressful feeling when your infant is crying and you don't know what's wrong. Well now that Conor can talk and I know why he's having lots of tantrums I feel a lot less stress because usually I can tell the difference between tantrums I should ignore and the kind of upset I need to comfort. It makes tantrums much easier to ignore when I know its the right choice!

And of course being two allows for the incredible cuteness that comes with creativity. Like today....this is how Conor decided he needed to leave the house...

...with sock hands.
While I have to admit walking through the store with my kid wearing socks on his hands was a little uncomfortable at first. I have to admit it must be so freeing to be two and do those things because its fun for you and who cares what others think!

So even though that face not only shows his creativity but also his mood lately...
Here's to being 2 !!

Sleep Study

So we are back in the hospital again but this time planned and not technically admitted. So it's different. Very different. We are just at the hospital doing a sleep study and we had a long time to prepare for this coming. I would have thought that this would make it fairly stress free, though still sleepless. 

I was wrong!

Walking into the hospital this evening was a very overwhelming feeling. And while it really was nothing like coming when he was admitted before it felt strangely familiar. We come here all the time for appointments but I guess because we were staying the night it brought back a lot of emotion.

Obviously this time is less scary and I'm better prepared (I knew to pack clothes to sleep in and a toothbrush) but I still had to slow down and take a deep breath coming into the hospital. 

Once we were in it was fine though I had a moment watching Conor play on the floor of the hospital room where I felt a little pull at my heart. It seems so wrong for children to play or be in hospital rooms. 

The real hard part came later when Conor was being hooked up to the monitors. I'd done this before so part of me felt prepared and knew how to handle it. But by the end when it was just me and Conor in the room. Him tugging at the wires, yelling and crying it was rough. Last time I had people here for this part. People who could stay while I left the room if I needed. This time it's just me. Boy that sucked! 5 minutes of break would have made a world of difference. They should really let 2 parents stay. 

Being back at the hospital. Sleeping here. Holding Conor down while he fights the tests. Leaves me with a lot of time and a lot of reminders. And I struggled with memories of watching Conor last time. Particularly of watching them put him under to do the MRI. 

Boy I wish I had been more prepared for those feelings!

At least it will all be over in a few hours and I'm not too worried about the outcome. That is a huge relief. Maybe if I focus on that the next few hours will come a little easier.

Maybe I'll say a little prayer that the morning comes quickly and smoothly and hopefully get a little rest (FYI hospitals are not so comfy to sleep in).

Forever Moments

Lately I've been having lots of moments with Conor that leave me with a feeling I can't really describe. It's a kind of intense joy. It's not a joy that comes from having what one might call the best experience of your life, or even some incredible once in a lifetime moment.It's just a moment that feels truly amazing even though it could be totally ordinary. 

They are moments that even as I experience them (though they may be only seconds) that I think that I could spend forever stuck in this moment. I call them forever moments. They are moments when Conor comes up wraps his arms around my neck and just squeezes. Moments when I'm cuddled in bed with Conor and Mike. Moments like this....

...or this...

...and sort of this (though the heights made me uncomfortable)...

I feel like the difference between life now and life before Conor is that while I have forever moments from before he was born, I didn't realize them at the time. And what truly makes a moment amazing is when you know in that moment how truly lucky you are to be right there.

Life with a two year old is still trying but it sure is filled with a lot of forever moments. So I just hold on during those squeezes and let the moments last as long as they can because when its over I want to hold onto the memory just as tight!