Sleep Study

So we are back in the hospital again but this time planned and not technically admitted. So it's different. Very different. We are just at the hospital doing a sleep study and we had a long time to prepare for this coming. I would have thought that this would make it fairly stress free, though still sleepless. 

I was wrong!

Walking into the hospital this evening was a very overwhelming feeling. And while it really was nothing like coming when he was admitted before it felt strangely familiar. We come here all the time for appointments but I guess because we were staying the night it brought back a lot of emotion.

Obviously this time is less scary and I'm better prepared (I knew to pack clothes to sleep in and a toothbrush) but I still had to slow down and take a deep breath coming into the hospital. 

Once we were in it was fine though I had a moment watching Conor play on the floor of the hospital room where I felt a little pull at my heart. It seems so wrong for children to play or be in hospital rooms. 

The real hard part came later when Conor was being hooked up to the monitors. I'd done this before so part of me felt prepared and knew how to handle it. But by the end when it was just me and Conor in the room. Him tugging at the wires, yelling and crying it was rough. Last time I had people here for this part. People who could stay while I left the room if I needed. This time it's just me. Boy that sucked! 5 minutes of break would have made a world of difference. They should really let 2 parents stay. 

Being back at the hospital. Sleeping here. Holding Conor down while he fights the tests. Leaves me with a lot of time and a lot of reminders. And I struggled with memories of watching Conor last time. Particularly of watching them put him under to do the MRI. 

Boy I wish I had been more prepared for those feelings!

At least it will all be over in a few hours and I'm not too worried about the outcome. That is a huge relief. Maybe if I focus on that the next few hours will come a little easier.

Maybe I'll say a little prayer that the morning comes quickly and smoothly and hopefully get a little rest (FYI hospitals are not so comfy to sleep in).

Forever Moments

Lately I've been having lots of moments with Conor that leave me with a feeling I can't really describe. It's a kind of intense joy. It's not a joy that comes from having what one might call the best experience of your life, or even some incredible once in a lifetime moment.It's just a moment that feels truly amazing even though it could be totally ordinary. 

They are moments that even as I experience them (though they may be only seconds) that I think that I could spend forever stuck in this moment. I call them forever moments. They are moments when Conor comes up wraps his arms around my neck and just squeezes. Moments when I'm cuddled in bed with Conor and Mike. Moments like this....

...or this...

...and sort of this (though the heights made me uncomfortable)...

I feel like the difference between life now and life before Conor is that while I have forever moments from before he was born, I didn't realize them at the time. And what truly makes a moment amazing is when you know in that moment how truly lucky you are to be right there.

Life with a two year old is still trying but it sure is filled with a lot of forever moments. So I just hold on during those squeezes and let the moments last as long as they can because when its over I want to hold onto the memory just as tight!

Happy Birthday!

It's amazing what happens in a year. 3 years ago around this time I worried that Mike and I would never have kids of our own. We even started the process for foster care but it wasn't for us. If I'm being honest I didn't want someone coming in an evaluating my house.2 years ago around this time I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of my first child (big difference huh!). And last year at this time I was excited about having Conor's first birthday.

This is when I fell in love

Going into his first birthday I was excited about my baby turning one and looking forward to watching him become more independent. I knew the next year we would be faced with challenges as toddlerhood is both a wonderful and trying time. I knew this year would be hard and I was right. I was just expecting a different kind of hard.

First birthday party

It was shortly after this time last year that I acknowledged what I had been rationalizing all along. Conor was delayed. Funny how effective rationalizing can be. After I admitted this to myself I was worried (and frustrated that I let his 1 year appointment go by). This slowly went from general worry, to extreme worry, to being put at ease only to go back to extreme worry and general worry again. But as the year wraps up I'm happy to say I generally feel back at ease.(Thanks to very helpful doctors and wonderful therapists. I have always believed in early intervention. But seeing my son progress shows me what a wonderful use of money!) And we sail into Conor's second birthday with toddler tantrums, party planning, nostalgia and a little sadness at how quickly my boy is growing up.

Lately I've been feeling extremely blessed. This feeling is particularly strong on those mornings where I get to start my day with some cuddles from Conor. He's been pretty cuddly lately. And when I'm sitting in bed with time to spare cuddled up to that boy I can't help but feel blessed to have him in my life. There's so many people who struggle and are never able to have kids or suffer the loss of a child. So I'll take my time to feel lucky to have those moments with my beautiful son.

So Happy 2nd Birthday to my sweet baby boy! I love you!

Thank you!

Last week this is the scene that played out in my house.

I asked Conor if he wanted milk. He did. So he signed "milk" and made his attempt to say milk. So I got him a cup and gave him his milk. As I handed him the cup he says "thank you" and toddled off. I smiled to myself and reflected on how proud I was of him. First I was proud that he said a spontaneous word as this is what I'm hoping he starts doing more. I was then struck with pride at the thought that Conor uses few words spontaneously so the fact that he manages such good manners unprompted is pretty impressive. I sat there proud of my son.

It took a few minutes but as I sat with such pride I realized something. Here I am so proud of my son and yet he doesn't even know it! Too often I think this happens. I see kids all the time who complain because their parents never notice when they do something good. And while I don't believe it's entirely true. I wonder how many opportunities do we as parents miss because we don't tell them when we have these moments. Kids need to hear these things. And I think parents get frustrated when their kids say they don't notice. One reason is that kids tend not to notice when we acknowledge their efforts. Another reason is that often when we acknowledge that we are proud of kids its not at a time when they hear us and we assume they know.

And the thing is when we tell children that we are proud of something specific they have done and we are genuinely proud it can have such a profound effect. I'm sure my mom told me she was proud of lots of things. But I remember numerous times when my mom would tell me how proud she was that the elementary school special education teacher told her I was so good with the kids in her class. My mom talked about this all the time with me. And there's no way I can think this wasn't a huge influence in the career path I choose for myself. I actually often thought about that as I worked towards my career.

Telling our children that we are proud of them really can help shape who they become in a small way. But it needs to be genuine and it needs to be frequent. So we need to find every chance we can to tell our kids when we are proud of them and why. And we need to mean it! Because if they don't have exponentially more incidents of you saying you're proud of them then they might miss it.

Don't worry once I realized that I was merely reflecting on my pride and not telling him I immediately gave him a big hug, And then I told him how happy I was that he has such great manners! And I am proud to be raising a boy with good manners!

And a big kudos as well to my mom for doing this so well!
(Adults can benefit from positive feedback as well ya know!)

Glasses

Last week we had a doctor's appointment marathon. Made for a busy week but also got it all done at once instead of dragging things out. Kind of nice! At his last appointment Conor saw an ophthalmologist. Now we already saw a neuro-ophthalmologist back in January so this was a follow up. Based on his appointment in January I kind of knew this appointment would wind up with glasses on my boys beautiful face. So driving down to his appointment I was a little sad.

And what do you know...

...we got glasses!

No don't get me wrong that face...super cute even with the glasses, but I'm sad. I'm sad because he looks different. An unlike his changes in appearance so far, this isn't gradual. I'll get over this. But I think he gives me twinges of sadness because he's growing up. REALLY FAST!

Today I was listening to the Phil Vassar song "Don't Miss Your Life". I gotta do better at that. I get to spend lots of time with Conor and I enjoy it no question. But I feel like sometimes time gets away from me. The past few months have gone to quickly I want to work on paying more attention to the 24 hours I get each day!

Seeing Conor in his glasses I think he looks an awful lot like Ralph from A Christmas Story. 

Don't you think?

That being said in looking up pictures of him I found recent pictures of the actor who plays Ralph. And you know he is hot!

So I know I'm working on focusing on the present and not always trying to get to the future but...logic tells me that if my kid looks like that kid, and that kid grew up to be that good looking then my cute kid it going to be one good looking man! And that makes me happy! :)

P.S. Please don't look for holes in my logic. It makes me happy so it doesn't matter if it is flawed!

Magic

The last couple of days I've been kind of in awe of my kid. I mean being almost 2 is a cool time. Its tough for sure with independence, whining, tantrums and frustrations. But its kind of cool. It's like 2 year olds have that balance we all need in our lives. They get hurt sure, but they move on. And they appreciate life to the fullest. It's incredible.

Conor loves anything with an engine so when he hears one he stops everything to look for it and then watches. When the engine leaves he very happily say "buhbye!" and back to playing. We take walks and say bye to almost every car we pass. Motorcycles put him in a kind of trance...the kind that occurs when he hears the music from the ice cream truck. 

I love spending time with Conor in this stage because it is so cool that he can stop and take the time out of everyday and notice the world. And because Conor does it I get to do it too. It helps t appreciate life that way. I think that's the most important thing kids can teach us.

 The world wouldn't function if we all were 2 year olds. But if we really appreciate our two year olds and learn from them then we can still benefit from the magical world of being a kid. The world where falling and scraping your knee can hurt so bad but a hug from mommy makes it better and there's nothing quite like hanging out in mom and dad's bed. (I should note that while I HATE Conor getting hurt, I so love that a hug from me solves almost all his problems. How is that not just the best confidence boost in the whole world?!)

So here's to learning to live life like a kid!

Tantrums

I've taught parenting classes for something like 5 years now. Conor's almost 2 so there were a number of years teaching that I was not a parent myself. I felt self conscience about this and inevitably there was always someone in the class who questioned this. But you know what? By the end of a 7-week course the person who questioned my not being a parent always gave me the best scores on the class evaluation. So I started to gain confidence. After all the doubters seemed to come around that's got to be good right?

As you should in any parenting class I acknowledged that it was tough to be a parent. I simply reminded people that my techniques with kids work even though I'm not their parent. The biggest difference. At the end of the day they weren't my kids and I could go home. Which meant a few things. 1.I got a break so it was easier to be consistent and 2. I didn't feel as guilty because it wasn't my kid acting this way. The point is things like consistency still are the best way but they are just harder t do when its all day everyday.

What I didn't realize before I became a mommy was that there was another factor that made it tough. This is a factor I don't even know how to describe. It is that it feels different when your child is upset. I can listen to kids cry and throw temper tantrums for hours. It drives me a little crazy but I can do it. The other night I timed one and was surprised to see it was only like 20minutes. It felt longer. Because when its your kid it pulls at you differently. A 20 minute tantrum with any other kid would be nothing. With Conor it frustrated the hell out of me.

So I thought about it. I thought about how it's different when your the parent and when your not. And then I realized I think it is so different but really I still do the same thing. The thought process is different. So I thought I'd share my thought process.

When I work with a kid and they throw a tantrum or aren't following directions this is what I do. I sit quietly (I tell parents all the time silence is an effective tool it sends a message to the kid that you are not happy/acknowledging their tantrum and gives you time to scramble for an idea. But they don't know you're scrambling! Victor parent!) So this is what I think while I have my best "this is not acceptable face":

Crap! Now what do I do?! Ok what choices can I give to get them to do what I want ? How can I give choices I have no control in this situation? Nope I have control what do I have control over? 

(choices are the best it gives kids the impression of control while still maintain most of the control at the adult).

The  conversation in my head seems like it goes on forever but the clock tells me it does not! Thank goodness! And then I pull some wonderful gem that I'm sure is not gong to work like. If you don't help me clean up the markers I'm not going to want to bring them the next time I see you. This of course is met with not cleaning up markers. But If I put away like 3 markers and remind them I won't bring them next time suddenly I have help. Go figure!

NOW when it is Conor the conversation in my head is different. It goes more like this:

Oh dear God I don't want to deal with this! (waiting) You're supposed to ignore tantrums right? So I'm doing that! Good for me, doing the right thing! (let entirely too much time pass) Ok seriously this is not the type of tantrum I just ignore I actually have to help his get out of his frustration. So now what the hell do I do? What would work me do? Work me would give him choices. I need to give him choices.

And then I give him choices and we eventually get the problem resolved. Eventually. So like I said it is pretty much the same the thought process is just a little different!

 And yes I do actually ask myself what would work me do.

Did I mention I hate tantrums?! Can't wait for these to end! Don't worry I know I have a while!