I knew I wanted to be a therapist when I was 16 years old. While the population I wanted to work has changed over the years that always stayed and I worked for years to get there. When I was in grad school I had a supervisor ask what happens after I get licensed. It was weird I hadn't thought about it then. I had spent my whole life with a plan and worked to get there but I didn't think about what would happen after I achieved my goals.
I spent years working in mental health and going to school to ultimately become a therapist. And I achieved that goal. And I've spent the last 9 years working as a therapist mostly with kids. I have loved my job even though at times it is draining. Over the years I've slowly created the job and schedule I wanted for myself as best I could. All that time I have always really wanted to stay home with my kids. But if I had to leave my kids at home I was at least happy to have a job I enjoyed.
This job is heavy at times though. And being a mom is also heavy at times. Being a mom to a kid with special needs is especially heavy. And while Conor was sick it was getting heavier. And I was finding myself feeling too guilty all the time.
I sat in a doctor's office as she told me I should probably take him to the ER in DC. And as I thought about what to do I worried about taking more time off work because I had already been having to take a lot of time off. I felt guilty about not being able to provide the services my patients needed and I felt guilty that I would even consider that when my child's health was at stake.
And so I spent hours in a hospital only to come home at 2am and go to work the next morning. And I knew I needed things to change. So I started working on a new plan. This year this job that seems heavy at times seemed to get more heavy. And my family life well that got heavier too. So when Baby Z died I knew that things needed to change faster then I planned. So I gave my notice at work.
I am excited and very fortunate to be able to switch to my mother's job working from home so she can retire and I can be flexible with my kids schedule. And I can spend more time with them.
After giving my notice things started to feel more real. I had been excited for this prospect. But I am leaving the career I wanted when I was 16 and the patients I truly enjoy working with. I had always felt like I needed a career that helped others. It seemed the way to have a fulfilling life. And certainly it seemed to be what I learned about how to serve God. This has been a little hard to wrestle with at times. But as my time at my job draws to a close I am excited about finding new ways to help others and use my skills to serve those in need. I'm realizing now that I can still have that purpose I got from my career by other parts of my life.
Quitting my job has been a humbling experience. I am having to say goodbye to all my patients. Some of whom I have worked with for a long time. I sometimes find myself feeling frustrated at work when I am not sure if my work is helping someone. Leaving I am reflecting more on how far my patients have come. And I am hearing from them how much their time with me has helped and that is always a nice thing to hear. Additionally I am leaving colleagues that I have worked for years to earn respect from. And in doing so I have realized that I was able to really earn the respect I worked so hard for. It's sad to go but it has been so nice to see and reflect on the impact this work can have.
I'm in the home stretch and soon I will be saying goodbye to all the people and schools I have been working in. It will be a strange transition but I am so excited for this new chapter in my life. And I can't wait to find new ways to provide service. Even if I don't know what that will look like. After years of planning so carefully I am going to try and let my heart lead me instead....
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